


The Social Miscues of Marine Mammals

by blythechild



Series: The Otter One [1]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alternate Universe - Animals, Crack, Dating, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Friendship, Meddling, Otters, Relationship Advice, Relationship(s), Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 20:05:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8636314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blythechild/pseuds/blythechild
Summary: Everyone is an otter. Emily is the conspicuously single one, Derek is the meddling one, and Spencer is the weird one who lives just outside the bay. This is a work of fanfiction and as such I do not claim ownership over the characters herein. It was created as a personal amusement. This story is suitable for all readers.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Deejaymil](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deejaymil/gifts).



Emily floated on her back in the bay, eyes closed and studiously ignoring that the lapping water was probably getting kelp in her fur. It was too nice a day for worries – a great day to be an otter.

Then Derek happened. She was splashed and pounced upon and twirled around under the surface by a big, overenthusiastic, pain-in-the-ass ball of fur. She broke the surface with a bubbly explosion prepared to rip her friend a new one.

“WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?” she sputtered. Derek grinned a little fangy grin.

“What? We’re otters, Emily. Water aerobics and being grabby is what we _do_. Besides, isn’t it a great day? Totally needed to celebrate it with a good tackle…”

“I hate you. I don’t even know why we’re friends.” She began resentfully licking a paw while glaring at him.

“We’re friends because I’m awesome, and because Penelope told you we had to be.” He flipped in the water and splashed her again with his tail. She couldn’t tell if it was on purpose or if he was just that careless.

“Well, go splash her then.”

Derek stared at her while bobbing on the water’s surface. Then he cocked his head sideways like he was a ferret or something. “What’s eatin’ you?”

“Nothing. I was just sunning myself and you torpedoed my tranquility.”

“Nah, that’s not it. You know that otters are _known_ for being friendly, right? Grouchy otters are kinda weird.”

“I’m not grouchy,” she insisted in a snippy way. Derek looked as though he’d just figured out everything in the history of ever. He slapped the water with a paw.

“You need someone to cuddle with!”

Ugh, not this again. Yes, otters enjoyed cuddling, yes, it was awesome and all of nature thought so, and no, she hadn’t had a good, significant cuddle in longer than she cared to think on. But so what? She was a kick-ass, independent marine wonder. Screw the instinct to cuddle.

“I don’t need someone to cuddle with, Derek. You’ve been hanging with Penelope too long.”

“We’re social creatures, Em. Quit fighting it.”

She rolled her eyes at him. “Doesn’t being wrestled by my annoying friend count?”

“I’m serious. When was the last time anyone but you licked your fur, huh?”

“That’s none of your business.” She looked at her belly and saw a string of kelp. She started licking it off just to prove her point to him. _Don’t need a belly-licker, not this girl._ “There aren’t a lot of options in this inlet in case you hadn’t noticed, D.”

“What about Jarvis?”

“Moved down the coast.”

“Bailey?”

“Bit a tourist by the pier and got nabbed by those biologist people for observation.”

“Shit, really? I thought he was okay… Ummm, what about Dean?”

“He licks his ass too much.”

Derek made a face. “Okay, what about Gerald?”

“Gerald? Seriously? He’s got a cloudy eye and he drools!”

Derek thought for a full minute making the fur around his eyes wrinkle with the effort. Then he slapped the water and splashed her _again_. “I know! Spencer.”

She blinked. He had to be joking. “That weird skinny otter from the far side of the bay with the long fur?!?”

“Yeah! He’s perfect!” Derek was swimming around in fast, excited circles creating his own little tide effect. “Oh man, I shoulda thought of him before… wait ‘til I tell Penny. She’ll be all over this…”

“No, no, no. I’m not abdicating my liberated grooming regimen to some scrawny otter who was ostracized by his own raft.” She watched Derek’s enthusiasm dim, and then noticed a snaggle of fur across his chest. She abandoned her own fur to clean up his; Penelope was lying down on the job, apparently. “Besides, that guy talks all the time. Never met another otter with so much to say – it’s exhausting. Derek, how the hell did you get a burr? Where do you find burrs in water?”

“Quit it,” he batted at her with his paws and wiggled away a little. “Penny will have a fit if she sees you. And Spencer’s not _weird_ \- he’s awesome. And pretty damned smart… well, for an otter anyway…”

Emily gave him _a look_. “Sounds like YOU want to lick his fur. Oh Derek… do you like dude otters?” She smirked a little. “You’ll break Penelope’s heart, and what about the pups? They won’t bounce back from that easily. I don’t think this inlet can handle another gay otter drama after that mess with Anderson…”

“Hey,” Derek slapped the water authoritatively. “He couldn’t help whose fur he wanted to lick, okay?”

She giggled and used her tail to make herself twirl a little. “I know. You made that _very_ clear at the time as well.”

“And for your information, I’m all about the females. I’ve had pups with half the ladies on the coast.”

She attempted to stop laughing and put on a mock-serious, whiskery scowl. “Got it. No dude licking.”

“Not that there’s anything wrong with it… and you know, once you get past how skinny he is, Spencer’s got some lovely coloring to him…”

“See?” Emily flipped her paw at him again. “And now we’re back to the sexually confused fur licking debate.” Although she had to admit that Derek made a point about Skinny Spencer. He had blonde streaks along his belly that she would’ve killed for, and with all of that long fur, when he zipped around the rocks at the mouth of the inlet, he sorta looked like this strange underwater golden flash. He was quite speedy too – not many could catch him.

“I’m not into Spencer, okay?” Derek growled. “But you should be. Listen, I know you like smart guys and he’s the smartest you’ll ever meet. Did you know that he made friends with Rossi?”

She did a little double-take. “Rossi. The fucking monster-big, cranky old sea lion from Puget Sound? _That_ Rossi?”

“Yeah. He caught Spencer napping on that damned rock he’s so possessive about and was all prepared to bash his head in or eat him or whatever the fuck that old fart wanted to do, and Spencer just sat up and _talked_ the fight out of him.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“Swear to God. Kate saw it. She said it made her whiskers curl just thinking about being that close to the old bastard, but Spencer chatted away. Now they actually hang out together.”

“Derek, you are completely yanking my chain now. NO WAY are Skinny Spencer and Rageful Rossi BFFs.”

“They totally are!” He flipped in the water to emphasize his point. “I’ve seen them together. Spencer takes afternoon naps on the damned precious rock! And if any other sea lion makes a move, Rossi’s all barking and territorial and ‘don’t mess with my boy or I’ll knock you back an evolutionary stage!’… whatever that means…”

“Evolutionary what?”

“Not important. But I bet you Spencer would know. He probably told Rossi.”

“Well… as impressive as that is,” And it certainly was. “I’m not swimming all the way out to the other side of the bay to get some. I’m not that hard up for cuddling.” But she was.

Derek sighed and since he was half submerged when he did it, it came out all bubbly. “Listen, Em, I know that yer not into the roving types – not after Mick and Ian and those other dickheads you used to hang out with. And let’s face it, otters are a freewheeling bunch. Monogamy isn’t really our style, so your choices are limited. But Spencer’s a decent sort – not into the random mating season hook-up thing; he’s got no females.”

 _That_ was appealing. But, no. She wasn’t going to fall for Derek’s conniving. “How’s that supposed to recommend him? What sort of male has no females?”

Derek shrugged. “Maybe he’s a new type of otter. Anyway, my point is: he’s smart, brave, unattached, pretty…”

“Gay,” she pointed at Derek and he bared his teeth to her briefly.

“…and he’s asked about you.”

Huh? She did another double-take. “What do you mean?”

“Just what I said,” he grinned like he was winning. “He told Jennifer that he admires you. Your independence, that you go your own way… something like that. Oh, and he likes that you’re never messy. Frank the gimpy seagull said that Spencer comments on your coat all the time: ‘it’s so glossy… wish I could get mine to do that…’ blah, blah, blah…”

Derek made a quacking gesture with his paw. Jesus… sometimes she hated his short attention span.

“So, clearly, he’s up for cuddling and doesn’t mind the look of you. Little does he know how much work you are…” Derek dived under in a showy fashion and she decided that she’d had enough of his company for one afternoon. He resurfaced and launched right back into his argument. “So swim on out there and sniff him up already. I’m tired of you yelling at us all for our ruckus during mating season. It’s well past time you got a little. And I’ve spent way too long today trying to convince you – it’s been, like, _ten minutes_ already! Who thinks about this stuff for that long?? If I don’t find some mollusks and get them back to Penny a.s.a.p. she’s gonna give me to the marine biologists…”

“Fine. FINE, Derek.” Emily held up both front paws and frowned. “You can stop talking about this. Go find Penelope her mollusks.”

He stared her down and swam a little closer. “Are you gonna go talk to Spencer?”

“Maybe,” she mumbled, thinking that this Spencer guy sounded a little too good to be true and if he was half of what Derek had suggested she was jealous that he was a better damned otter than she was. “I’ll think about it.”

Derek waited a moment. “You wanna get licked. Say it.”

“I’m not saying that.”

“Say. It.”

“No.”

“ _Say. It._ ”

“Okay, fine! I’m a lonely otter and I want some quality licking. Happy now?” She splashed him for good measure.

He grinned, all fangy and self-satisfied. “I’m _happier_ , yes. But I won’t be completely content until I find you possessively curled around a male. Preferably a thin, shaggy, suspiciously attractive one. I’ll give you bonus points if you end up with a litter of golden, long-haired pups.”

She growled at him. “You are a gay otter. I’m gonna tell everyone.”

He laughed and then dove backwards, making a huge splash and then resurfacing ten feet away from her, waving his tail. “And you’re a grouchy, picky female in need of a thorough cuddling. _I’m_ gonna tell everyone that, including Spencer.”

“You wouldn’t!” She yelled but he was already gone. Dammit. Now she had to go see Spencer before Derek told him all sorts of salacious things about her. Or worse yet, if Penelope told him…

She twirled around to look at the mouth of the bay. It wasn’t so far. If it were a wasted trip, she’d still make it back for some sunning. Giving herself a quick once over to make sure that she seemed as glossy as possible, she took a deep breath and dived under. The things a poor otter had to do in order to get her friends off her back…


End file.
